Uncanny and Outlandish Paths
by Official .the. Blah
Summary: Bella and Kaylee, two self-inserts, are forced to journey with The Fellowship to retrieve their magical Parker Pen from a hogging steward of Gondor in order to get back home. Friends are made and weirdness ensues as the two relate their Monkey Business to the Fellowship and realise themselves through mental examination and gloriously proportionate blunders that make everyone laugh


**A/N: **Greetings from the South! So this is a redo of _Uncanny and Outlandish Paths_, cause let's face it: it sucks eggs. Hope you enjoy the new and improved version, and as always, let me know what you think…

Being fifteen and female is not easy: biologically, psychologically _and_ socially. Such is true for most people who fit that criteria, but in the case of two _specific_ fifteen-year-old girls, things like '_involuntary muscle reaction in my bladder_' and '_Do I _really _want to leave the house?_' have become things of lesser significance due to their strange journey through fiction. Now, said odyssey lead them both through many scenarios that provoked bodily strain, mental incapabilities and cultural dispute; by the time they had drawn up all the conclusions, each one saw the world in a new light and respected the magnamity of the word 'adventure'.

This a tale of two South African high school girls and their trips through various stories (that _other _people have written) and the many many _many_ ways in which they screw up. Such is a tale of self-examination, mental measurement and epic blunders of such glorious proportions that they had anyone witnessing smacking their own foreheads.

_This _is the (unnecessarily long and painfully truthful) account of Bella and Kaylee.

The first place the two girls ended up at was Middle Earth.

Now, an ideal way of describing their entrance would be to simply state that the girls were 'oh-so-busy' studying Natural Sciences (of course, with no social gibber-gabber _whatsoever_) when all of a sudden a great wind picked up around them and messed up their pages upon _pages _of hard-work and dedication to their futures. This 'wind' (as far as they could tell) was _magic_; it lifted them into the air, proceeded to speak to them in the 'all-understandable universal language of the Valar' about destiny and intertwined fate before it then _whooshed _them out of the window to a different world like something out of Mary Poppins…

As easy as that would be for a writer though, things that day did not transpire _at all _in that way:

"Bella listen to this one," an arm reached out blindly to nudge a somewhat smaller one as light brown eyes widened at a cell phone screen, "'_Ben cringed as he waited for the building to crash on him, but nothing happened. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was all of a sudden lying on the sidewalk of the next building and a girl was standing in front of him. She had red hair going down to her waist with eyes that were black with a ring of silver around them and she had long silver lashes. She wore black eye makeup and black lipstick. Her face was a heart and she was tall and slender. She had beige and black ears peeking out from her straight hair at the top of her head and she had a sword strapped to her back-'_"

"Sheesh, how much longer does this go on for?" Two girls slumped leisurely on a wooden floor with open books and a few tatty papers strewn out around them. As 'academically loaded' the space seemed however, neither girl paid attention to the diagrams or notes around them, that had been carelessly thrown into a weirdly proportional ellipsis, but rather to their cellular devices with an occasional glance down.

Kaylee, the taller girl, smirked at her Blackberry, "Almost there: '_Ben stared up at her from the floor. She was really beautiful. 'T-that w-was a-a-amazing,' he said shyly, but the girl said nothing. As Ben stood up, he couldn't help but notice the tattoo on her muscular abs that stretched up into her black leather crop-top and over her shoulders. It was a snake with golden eyes and silver fangs. They stared at each other before the girl blew him a kiss and started running away. 'W-wait,' Ben called and she looked back, 'What's your name? I'm Ben 10.'_

_The girl paused then responded, 'Juniper Samantha Saturn, but you can call me Hell Flame.'_"

"I swear, if you read any more, I will gag," the brunette made a heaving noise and Kaylee laughed. "I actually feel sorry for Ben; that is an all-new _breed_ of Mary-Sue. And that name: _Juniper_?"

"-_Samantha Saturn_," Kaylee added as she scrolled further down the page.

"Details," Bella deadpanned. "_Wow_, there are so many things wrong there: firstly, Ben doesn't stutter, at least not as badly as that, and if he saw a building about to crash down onto him, he would either turn into Humongousaur or Accelorate. That OC is a terrible image to behold, and don't get me started on the grammer…"

Kaylee chuckled and then sighed, "C'mon, let's finish this Bio so we can start watching the movie."

"Ah mov-_ies_; there are _four_ Pirates of the Caribbean movies." Bella threw her phone down and stared oddly at her friend while shaking her head, "I just can't believe you don't find them interesting."

Kaylee sighed indifferently and shrugged, "I've never given such movies much attention. Don't get me wrong: Jack Sparrow is pretty cool-"

"You mean _awesome_…"

"- but I don't rent movies as often as you, so whatever's in the DVD cabinet or on TV is what's watched. And let me tell you: when my mom says 'Put off', you put off. I don't have the time you have to get lost in a movieverse." She ended with a shrug.

"You poor soul," the shorter girl whispered before she pursed her lips and regarded her friend incredulously. Keeping her gaze trained on Kaylee's smirking face, Bella reached for a paper and her blue Parker Pen, then proceeded to start scribbling a list onto it.

"Uh, Bella…what are you doing?" Kaylee leaned forward curiously.

"Makin' a list of movies we are watching throughout the course of tonight and tomorrow; by then end of this sleepover, I'll have introduced you to what I call 'My Big 3'." She clicked the pen closed and held up the paper for inspection, "These stories are my pride, my joy and best-sourced brain food for my day-dreaming."

Kaylee took the offered paper and scanned the names:

_Bella's Big 3_

_Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit_

_Pirates of the Caribbean_

_Transformers_

"Technically Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit are two separate fandoms," Kaylee put the paper down and leaned back on her hands as she regarded the eager face of her friend.

"Not really, but humour me: do you agree to the movies?"

Kaylee ran her tongue over her teeth, sucking her chocolatey flavoured saliva, as she contemplated the list. "Alright, but if I get too tired, I'm going to sleep," Bella made an acknowledging sound. "And snackage is on you," she poked a finger at Bella and raised her eyebrows pointedly, "which means that you are buying me more chocolate."

"Deal."

'Just wait: if I watch these movies, then you have to read _all _the Percy Jackson and Heroes of Olympus books."

A huff, "Fine; deal."

"_But _before we put any movies on, we have some Bio to finish," she gestured towards the mess around them.

Bella let her tongue fall out of her mouth in distaste, "Bler; either way though, it's only 3:15, so starting a movie now would be a tad unconventional for my tastes." She sighed resignedly, "Alrightly, Mesophyll cells…"

The two had been working silently for about two minutes before Bella started to click the Parker in her hand. Honestly, it was involuntary, but once Kaylee decided to reprimand her, it was then done quite consciously and with intent to annoy. Eventually, Kaylee had agitatedly tried to grab the pen from Bella's hand and in response, Bella tried to prevent this; in doing so, she had gripped the pen harder. This unaccountably resulted in the floor disappearing and a vast blue sky took its place.

Now, in Lameman's terms, the law of gravity stipulates that what goes up must go down, and when something falls from a high altitude, friction generates high temperatures resulting in spontaneous combustion. So when our two identified flying objects started their decent, inflight commercialism was rather explicit:

"_Oh my Lord! What the actual f-_"

"_AAAAH!_"

"_What's happening?_"

"_Does it look like I know?_"

They both paused before… "_AAAAH!_"

In the just of it all, Kaylee had managed to wrap her arms around Bella's waist and was kicking furiously at the air as they plummeted. Bella, for all it was worth, was unceremoniously flapping her arms whilst trying to spit out Kaylee's wildly moving hair. It was getting hard to breathe around their screaming, and also because the air around them has heating up and was moving ridiculously fast, but Bella managed to scream to Kaylee to "_bend your legs slightly and cross your arms across your chest, and for the love of God, let go of me so I can also!_"

Well, from there everything became a blur…literally, and all the girls felt was momentary pain as they fell through tree branches. Kaylee managed to grab hold of a branch and stayed in the tree, but Bella just kept falling. Just as she braced for impact, something whirled around her and had the girl suspended above the dirt with her arms crossed protectively over her face. As soon as she removed them to see what was going on, the whirling around her stopped and she face palmed into the dirt with an _oof_.

Slowly, Bella lifted herself from the ground and flopped over onto her back, breathing heavily, and a few odd blurs in front of her started focusing into people. She hadn't yet made out their faces, but she had calmed down enough to let out a breathy giggle, "That wasn't so ba-_UUUGAD_!" It was at this moment that Kaylee had collapsed from the tree onto Bella.

"…_ow_…oh man, what just happened?" Kaylee rubbed at her eyes before she noticed the purple face of her friend underneath her; she was sporting a gremlin look with her curls hanging around her and her mouth twisted and puckering into an odd shape. Immediately the taller girl scrambled to her feet as quickly as she could, "Bella! What are doing on the ground? What happened?"

The brunette's one eyebrow twitched and she opened her mouth to hoarsely whisper, "I think you just knocked my stomach into my head."

Kaylee was about to respond before she looked up at the people surrounding them and squinted her eyes. "Um…hi," she timidly spoke. At that moment, something else fell from the tree: a book, specifically a Grade 10 Life Sciences textbook, that smacked a stiff Bella in the face.

"_Fuuuuu!_"

Kaylee couldn't help herself: she laughed; only afterwards did she bend down and remove the offending object to look for the name. When she saw who it belonged to, she chuckled again and looked down at her friend with an ironic smile, "It's yours."

All Bella could do was groan in a Lurch-like manner and twitch her facial muscles. Kaylee leaned down with a cringe to help her friend up, but just as said girl placed her left foot down, she yelped and brought her knee up to her chest whilst leaning on Kaylee for support. "Ow ow ow ow ow owowowow that _really _hurts…"

"Well your ankle is going purple; maybe you should-"

Somewhere around them someone cleared their throat and both girls froze. They lifted their gazes unanimously and stared anxiously at the gathering around them: there was a role-playing Santa; two men who looked like they had just escaped from a federal prison and put on the first they could find, which happened to be pieces of old curtain and leather straps; a brick with a beard wearing the same styled attire; Gwenyth Paltrow and four midgets who looked high on surprise.

Kaylee gripped Bella's arm in a vice while the other girl's breathing quickened and their eyes widened unanimously. Kaylee smiled nervously, "Hehe…um, hello?" She then turned to the girl at her side and asked in a high-pitched voice, "Bella, where are?"

Bella blinked rapidly and she sucked in her lips to bite at them, "Middle Earth…I think we are in _Middle Earth_…"


End file.
